I used to say that to my kids when they were growing up. I never wanted them to be afraid of making decisions, or of making mistakes, but it is important to realize that your life’s directions are entirely a function of the decisions you make along the way.
There are large decisions and small ones. As a child, your parents help you make decisions…for a while. Children, however, are notorious for choosing their own friends. Those are probably the first really big decisions, because friends can have an influence on your other decisions. If you want to be liked by your friend, you may consider things like – trying out for a sport, signing up for a class, going somewhere after school, trying a cigarette or a drug.
As a parent, my opinion is that the choice of friends (including who to date) is the first important choice in a child’s life. It’s a choice that is hard to be undone (who can easily say “i’ve thought about it and i don’t want to be your friend any more?”) though most early friendships do fade away over time. If you choose friends that your parents also like, is that a good thing or a bad thing? The answer to that question probably reflects the relationship you have with your parents. Kids who choose friends precisely BECAUSE their parents wouldn’t approve are taking their own risks. Kids who value their parents’ opinion, make more experienced counsel available to them, and open up lines of communication when friendships represent challenges.
Parents have a huge and intimidating responsibility in this regard. If they appear too judgmental about their child’s choices, they run the risk of the child making the ‘protest decision.’ If the child is convinced that the parents just don’t understand, he/she will make an extra effort to choose friends without the benefit of adult advice. Parents need a light touch…especially difficult early on in the journey. Its best to ask questions of your child rather than simply offer opinions. “that’s great you are making friends – why do you think xxx will make a good friend? why did you make that choice?” much better than “i don’t think xxx is a good kid; you should make better friends, like yyy; i know her parents and she’s a better kid, doesn’t get into trouble, etc.”
So many decisions are easier to reverse when they are recognized as in error. Even the job decision is fixable, as is the decision on where to live. Decisions about relationships are the most important and the most fraught with risk and reward. Great friends will become good advisors on the other decisions, of course. Lousy friends will only detract from the quality of decision-making in other areas.
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